Dancing and Anxiety

Today I was feeling a bit bummed because yesterday was awesome and today was shitty. Not because I didn’t do cool things today. I met up with friends, went to an art fair, and ate a peanut butter and banana sandwich (which I wasn’t supposed to eat because of gluten, but whatever).

But yesterday was just perfect. Perfect. There was so much sun, unexpected friends on the beach, more friends at the cafe, and pho for dinner. I couldn’t have wanted anything more. And today was cool, meeting up with more people at a different cafe, casually shopping an art market and running into a girl I knew there, and all of that. But it’s also grey and rainy right now, and that’s just a terrible bummer. A TERRIBLE bummer. And I got to thinking…

Holy shit I miss dancing.

I was trying to describe blues dancing to some girls at the cafe and I couldn’t find my words. “It’s like slow swing dancing, but more sexy and intimate.” “It’s sort of like a loose unstructured version of tango.” “It’s basically the best thing.”

I haven’t found a community of dancers here who dance blues, but when I do, I am convinced I’ll be a thousand times happier. I mean, I enjoy my life and hanging out with people, but dancing, dancing was just magical. 

The weird thing is that I started dancing to get over my anxiety, after suffering a sexual assault. It was a structured and safe space for learning to be comfortable with myself physically, and more importantly, how to be comfortable with other people. I made a lot of friends in that community, and really discovered myself again after that. Ironically however, when I try to dance now, I get really anxious.

Maybe because it’s in a different place. The style of dancing is just a little bit different. I’m out of practice. I don’t know anyone. I don’t have the fancy dresses or cool shoes that I had before. There are so many things that come together at once, so that when I do force myself to go to dances, I just feel so…. alone.

I miss dancing. I miss how comfortable and confident it made me feel. But more than that, more than anything, I miss the feeling of having really good friends.

 

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About Angela

Editor, bookbinder, and writer.

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